New Beginnings

I think I have reinvented myself many times over the years. That can probably be said for most of us who have lived past the age of 10. As we age, we grow - we mature…or try to. And in maturing, we change.

My first major reinvention was when I came out. I’d never really felt comfortable in my own skin. I’d attributed that to being an introvert. I preferred my own company, really. Though on one level I felt shy and insecure, on quite another level, I felt I was smarter than pretty much everyone else and was quite happy on my own.

The pressure to socialize and, more importantly, have a boyfriend, was much more than I could bear. Adolescence was somewhat of an unpleasant affair. Boys, as it turned out, didn’t like me any more than I liked them. Oh, there were the fumbled attempts at “making out” and some “almost rapes” - those didn’t help to endear them to me at all. But it took until I was in my later 20's before I realized what the “problem” was; I was a lesbian.

Lesbian was that word we all whispered. It was a word that was never spoken out loud - particularly in mixed company and polite circles. It connoted evil women in suits, strapped down breasts, with cigarette holders, and fedoras doing evil things to one’s daughters. Lesbians were all tragic figures, desperately unhappy with their lot in life. Lesbians lurked in dark corners, ready to pounce on unsuspecting, innocent, women, and lead them into dark and sinful lives. No good ever came from living life as a lesbian.

I felt oddly liberated once I discovered that I was a lesbian. It felt much like coming home. Suddenly I knew who I really was! I found a local feminist/gay (that’s what we called it back in the 80's) book shop and scoured the shelves for information about me. I found history books and titillating novels and biographies and more! I found women like me in the book shop. (Interestingly, they weren’t wearing suits and fedoras.) And sadly, the women didn’t pounce on me.

I learned about women like me. I learned about my culture. I learned about the myths surrounding lesbians. I learned to say Lesbian out loud and proud! And while I discovered not everyone in my life was all that pleased about my reinvention, I rather liked who I became. I grew to truly love who I was…who I am. It was a glorious New Beginning.